Potential Calvinball Addition

H/T Andrew Foong

Dear Biggie: Novice Needs Shoe Care Help

Dear Biggie,

 

What are the finer points of dress shoe maintenance? I don't know how to shine shoes.

 

Sincerely,

Bright Lights, Big Hodge

Dear Bright Lights, Big Hodge,

Your lack of shoe care knowledge is unfortunate but predictable.  With the decline of menswear in modern society--in both professional and social environments--much of the associated institutional knowledge that previously passed from father to son has been lost.  Fortunately, your problem is eminently solvable.  When you have more money and less time later in your career, you can easily use the services of your local shoe shine man (there may be one in the subterranean floors of your office building, for example).  But for the present, you would do well to learn the basic tenants of shoe care.  We must first establish what sort of shoes will take a good shine.  

As discussed previously, full grain leather is the only acceptable material for a shoe to take.  Unlike a corrected grain leather, full grain leather is not coated in a thin layer of plastic that will prevent it from ever taking a good shine.  Therefore, the first step for a young man is to invest in some well-made full grain leather shoes.  (Explained briefly in this entry.) You would be wise to start with the two remaining quality American shoe companies: Allen Edmonds of Wisconson and Alden of New England.   When in doubt, observe the shoe in direct light: if the shoe is giving off an unnatural shine right out of the box, it's probably corrected grain.

The purpose of shining a shoe is to build a patina.  A patina is the buildup of polish and wear over time, bleached by sunlight, that gives a shoe character and shows its worth.  A patina also serves as a protective layer to help prevent scuffs and stains.  A shoe is an investment in a gentleman's wardrobe that should last for a term of 10 years if rotated properly (with periodic resoling, obviously).  A full grain leather shoe that takes a good shine and builds a patina over time yields a product that will look better with age, constantly improving in aesthetics.  Compare this to a cheaper, corrected grain version that will look its best on the day that you open the box, but will decline steadily over time.  Observe the patinas on these various shoes.  The color is not uniform and has slowly changed over time (this color change can be accelerated by using different color polishes).  The lack of perfection yields an aesthetic quality that supersedes anything that can be purchased in a store (pre-antiqued Edward Green'snothwithstanding.)

A proper shoe care regime requires a few essentials: shoe trees, shoe brush, polishing cloth/shoe bag, conditioner, cream, wax, and edge dressing.

Every pair of shoes requires a pair of basic shoe trees.  Whenever a gentleman is not wearing a pair of his shoes, they should be filled with a pair of shoe trees.  Shoe trees will keep your shoes properly shaped and help them dry out.  Most importantly, they will help prevent massive creasing across the vamp.  When a gentleman walks, his feet flex, causing his shoes to bend.  This bending causes creasing along the vamp (the top of the shoe between the toe and the lacing).  Shoe trees help minimize this creasing and keep it from becoming overwhelming.  In addition, this bending of a shoe while walking can cause the shoe's sole to curve over time if not straightened out.  Shoe trees provide the straight line reinforcement required to keep shoe soles relatively flat.

Every gentleman needs a few shoe brushes: at the minimum, one for black shoes and one for brown shoes (you do not want accidentally to spread black polish on light brown shoes, for example).  Make sure that the brush is horsehair and large--perhaps 5" long, 2" wide, and 2.5" tall.  Brushing the leather helps to buff out scratches and scuffs--gently pushing the leather fibers back into place--as well as spreading out any remaining polish and removing the excess.  Using the brush in a circular motion, brush the shoe with moderate to light force, working your way around the upper (everything but the sole.)  Brushing is the most basic way to preserve your shoes.  Brushes should be used for basic maintenance as well as full shoe shining.

Every gentleman needs a shoe polishing cloth or cotton shoe bag to buff his shoes.  Think of the polishing cloth as a finer brush: it does less to work out the scuffs and more to spread around and remove remaining polish.  It is also used as the final step to put a high shine on shoes after polishing.

Basic Maintenance: brush the shoes for 1 minute each before each wearing and 2-3 minutes each after each wearing.  Brushing shoes before a wearing removes dust and gives the leather a quick buff.  Brushing shoes after wearing helps to work out any recent scuffs or scrapes.  It is preferable to brush shoes immediately after wearing because the leather fibers that constitute the scuff will be newly pushed out of place and therefore will be easier to brush back into place.  Also, feel free to do a quick 1 minute buff with a shoe cloth before wearing, immediately following the brushing.  This will give a quick shine to the shoes.

Full Shoe Shine: this requires several steps: clean, condition, cream/wax, and edge dressing.

After removing the laces, the first step is to clean your shoes.  This requires a damp rag.  Wet a rag and wring out the remaining water so that it is barely moist.  Wipe down the shoes, making sure that you remove all the dust and dirt on the surface.  Do not forget the shoe tongue.  Also, make sure to clean the sides of the soles: they are often the dirtest part of the shoe, particularly if you have stepped in dirt or grass.  Allow the shoes to air dry for 15 minutes or until they are dry.  Give them a quick brushing for 1 minute each.

Next, you will need to condition your shoes.  Many conditioners also incorporate a cleaner that will help to remove stains in the leather from cocktails and other assorted liquids.  The best conditioner in existence is Saphir Renovateur, which I cannot recommend highly enough.  Its combination of beeswax, mink oil, and other components constitutes the best conditioner on the market.  It will moisturize the leather and give a moderate shine to the shoes, as well as remove old wax from the shoes that would otherwise keep the leather from absorbing its nourishing goodness.  (Regardless of which conditioner you use, make sure to avoid anything with silicon--it can be harmful to the shoes.)  Apply the conditioner with an old, soft sock or a dauber.  It will work into the leather like sunscreen or moisturizer on your skin.  Do not forget the shoe tongue.  Let the shoes dry for 10-15 minutes.  Buff with a soft cloth for 2-3 minutes, followed by a quick 1 minute brush.

Next, you have a choice between applying cream polish, wax, or both.  Cream polish will give the shoes a deeper, richer color and will help moisturize and nourish the leather, not unlike conditioner; however, its main purpose is to richly color the shoe.  Conversely, the focus of wax is to build up a thin layer on surface of the shoe that gives it the desired shine.  Wax also imparts color, but its real purpose is to build a protective, shiny layer.  Gentlemen who want richly colored shoes without too much shine would do well to use mostly cream.  Gentlemen who want a shoe with a very high shine, but not quite as much richness of color, should use mostly wax.  Gentlemen who want both a rich hue and a healthy shine are advised to use both (but always cream before wax).  Of course, you are free to experiment with different ratios to determine what sort of patina you find most pleasing.  You are advised to find colors of cream and wax similar to the shoes you are shining.  A gentleman looking to darken his shoes can experiment with darker colors of cream or wax.  Lightening shoes with cream or wax is a more suspect endeavor, but it might yield some interesting results. 

Apply the cream to the shoe as you did the conditioner, using an old sock or a dauber to form a thin layer of shoe cream on top of the shoe.  Massage the cream into the shoe in a circular motion.  The cream will soak into the shoe, but not to the same degree that conditioner will.  Do not use too much excess cream, but be sure to cover the entire upper (ignore the sole).  Let the cream dry for 15 minutes.  Then brush each shoe, using the method described above, for 3-5 minutes apiece.  Follow the brushing with 1-2 minutes of buffing with a shoe cloth.

Next, apply the wax.  A gentleman applies wax after cream because the wax forms a protective layer that seals in everything else.  Hence, nourishing conditioners and creams must be given a chance to soak in before the shoe can be sealed with wax.  Wax also serves a practical purpose: it forms a thin, water-resistant layer on the surface of the shoe that will help prevent scuffs and stains.  (Obviously, even with wax, you should avoid tramping about in the rain in your shoes and otherwise keep them dry.)  Apply the wax as you did the cream, in a circular motion, forming a very thin layer on the surface of the shoe.  Allow the wax to dry for 15 minutes.  Then brush each shoe for 3-5 minutes each.  Finish by buffing each shoe with a shoe cloth for 1-2 minutes.  (Note: Once you apply wax, your shoes will not be sealed forever: wax slowly comes off over time, and your next application of conditioner will remove much of the remaining wax.  Fortunately, much of the color imparted by the wax will remain in the shoe.)

While applying cream and especially wax, feel free to give extra focus to the toe of the shoe.  This is approximately the first 2-3 inches from the front tip of the shoe (a good approximation is a cap toe seam.)  The toe will not bend like a vamp, and as such, it will not crease.  Creasing will interfere with overly thick layers of polish and cause them crack on the surface of the shoe.  Because the toe does not crease, you are free to apply several rounds of cream or wax to the toe.  Over time, this buildup will patina the toe of the shoe differently from the remainder: the toe will maintain a higher shine, giving the entire shoe a greater illusion of luster.  In addition, if you are polishing a brown, burgundy, or otherwise non-black shoe, the toe's color will grow darker over time compared to the rest of the shoe, resulting in a very pleasant antiqued look.

The final step is to apply edge dressing.  This is essentially a dye that you apply to the sole of the shoe.  Your sole will inevitably get scuffed, given the rigors of everyday life, and edge dressing gives you a means of ameliorating the problem.  This step is not always necessary--if your shoe upper is scuffed but your sole is relatively undamaged, for example.  However, if your sole is scuffed and is no longer a uniform brown or black color, you should probably use edge dressing.  Apply a thin layer of edge dressing the sole, making sure to avoid leaving any stray edge dressing on the upper.  Allow it to dry for 15 minutes.  You do not need to brush or buff edge dressing.  Relace your shoes.

Congratulations, gentlemen--your work is complete!  (See below for an example from your Biggie.)  You have completed a full shoe shine cycle.  Your Biggie advocates a full shoe shine cycle every 10-12 wears (a "wear" defined as a full workday).  While that seems like a journeyman's task, with a sufficient number of shoes in rotation--and please note that  you should never wear the same pair two full days in a row--it is actually quite achievable.  If you are short on time, making sure to condition every 10-12 wears is a good means of keeping your shoes nourished, if not entirely protected.  Always err on the side of conditioner--shoes can always be polished and waxed later if you have only time to condition.  Conversely, waxing too often without applying any conditioner is a sure means to dry out your shoes, which will sap their richness and otherwise undermine their quality.

I wish you the best of luck, gentlemen.  An investment in a proper shoe wardrobe and proper shoe care takes a substantial investment of time and money, but it is an investment that will serve you for years and will appreciate in aesthetic value with every brushing.

Your humble and obedient servant,

Biggie

Dear Biggie: Bulky Banker Needs to Slim?

Dear Biggie,

My girlfriend told me that she thought I'd look better if I stopped doing heavy lifting (squats, deadlifts, presses, etc...) and did more cardio. She said it would improve my health to lose some of my "bulk". I stand 6'1 and weigh 230lbs. I'm concerned that other men will lose respect for me. Additionally, my current size instills fear in other men. What happens if they stop fearing me? How does my size and situation compare to yours? What would you do if you were in my shoes?

Thanks,
BulkyBanker

Dear BulkyBanker,

You have posed a difficult question that hits quite close to home, and fortunately yields a simple answer  I will deal first with the philosophical and then move on to the practical.

The simple answer is that decisions regarding your physique (and your dress) are yours alone to make.  This is the epitome of what it means to be a man: to be fully independent, to require no outside counsel, to make decisions alone and bear alone the consequences. Only you are in the position to make the decision regarding what is right for you: only you can truly understand the internal utility generated or destroyed by different choices in physique.  When your Biggie began his now two-year relationship with his present girlfriend, he declared on the second date--or perhaps the first?--that the Biggie she saw was the Biggie she would get.  Indeed, your Biggie has had experience changing his physique to suit the whims of others: it is bound to fail.  Externally-motivated changes in physique are doomed to failure, and in the event that such a change succeeds, it can lead to psychological destruction.  The desire to maintain or change a physique must be a personal choice that is internally motivated.  Trust your Biggie when he says that losing 70 lbs during one semester of college will not make you happy.

Now that we have established that your physical choices are yours alone to make and that--while welcome to give her opinion--your girlfriend has no claim to your choice of physique, we can move on to the reality of larger physiques and the practical effects of making them smaller.  The most important note is that men of larger physiques can still look good in a gentleman's clothing.  The late Sydney Greenstreet was quite rotund, and he still managed to look smashing opposite Humphrey Bogart in films such as Casablanca and The Maltese Falcon.  But that isn't even your problem.  You aren't an endormoroph like Greenstreet.  Rather, your build is quite mesomorphic and you have a large bone structure, so a good analogue to yours would be someone like former NFL Tight End turned analyst Shannon Sharpe.  Mr. Sharpe is no small man, but he still manages to be one of the best-dressed athletes in the country.  Did you see his Hall of Fame acceptance speech?  He's wearing a light blue shirt, navy tie, yellow cornflower sport coat--he's even sporting a boutonniere for good measure!  At any rate, Mr. Sharpe is monstrous by normal person standards, and he still managers to dress impeccably.  It makes his life more difficult because a large athletic build is more difficult to tailor, but that problem can be solved through a little extra time and effort, from made-to-measure operations to  bespoke tailoring.  Ergo, the common critique that larger men can't look good is utterly ridiculous.

Your Biggie is not a licensed physician, so I will forgo offering any medical advice--though I will say a few words.  While there are health concerns that do play a role in living the life of a Biggie--namely, the ever-looming threat of heart disease--being a 230 lbs. mesomorph is probably not the same thing as being a 340 lbs+ man's man (sunburned after a long day of rugby).  Also, in theory larger men should get tired more quickly during physical activity, but I can attest that such is not always the case.  Also, any claims about joint pain are suspect: if your body is used to being large, you are unlikely to experience significantly less joint pain upon losing weight because your body has adapted to carrying the weight.  This is my experience.  (Of course, the inverse is true as well: small men who become Biggies later in life may want to lose some weight because their body has not grown accustomed to life at a larger size, and their joints and fitness may suffer accordingly).

There are some (limited) positive effects of losing the weight--health concerns notwithstanding as noted above.  The most obvious of these is that your girlfriend will be happier.  Of course, as I made clear above, that is an insufficient reason for you to alter your physique, provided that you have a similar physique compared to when you two began your relationship.  (Obviously, if you started out as a twig but then became a Biggie against her wishes, she would have reason to complain).  Another practical upside is that clothing will be easier to find and easier to fit.  Again though, as I discussed above, larger men--especially athletic ones--can still look outstanding.  Any increase in attractiveness to other females is a moot point given your relationship status, and even if females did find you more attractive--a questionable supposition, given your large bone structure and genetic predisposition for size--your Biggie's personal opinion is that physical attractiveness to females is an overrated asset.  Properly cultivated game can compensate for lack of Atwatrian beauty much of the time, and with every passing year, it is the size of your stock portfolio--not the size of your midsection--that will matter to the opposite sex.

There are several negative effects to weight loss, as you pointed out.  The first and most obvious is a lack of self-esteem.  For a bulky athlete, size and strength can impart of air of self-confidence, particularly in the face of other factors that you cannot control (ie: your competition is smarter and wealthier than you).  As you said, you believe men respect and fear your size.  This is because strength is implicit in size (until you reach a certain level of overweight, of course).  As a consequence of losing this weight, men who are smarter than you (or at least think they are) will feel that they are better able to compete with you because you have lost your competitive advantage of being larger and stronger.  Formerly, this had been your edge; now, it is gone.  If you do work in a male-dominated industry such as investment banking, a large, muscular, former athlete like you is going to command respect solely because of your size (not to mention the synergy you reap from your very aggressive attitude).  You are literally generating an aura of alpha.  The benefits of this are obvious and do not require further explanation.  While the one downside is that people may think you less intelligent because of the dumb jock stereotype, listening to you speak for 30 seconds should straighten them out.  And even if they do maintain an air of intellectual superiority, as you mentioned, your physique will continue to instill fear: Wiser men than I have explained why this is optimal: "Upon this a question arises: whether it be better to be loved than feared or feared than loved? It may be answered that one should wish to be both, but, because it is difficult to unite them in one person, is much safer to be feared than loved, when, of the two, either must be dispensed with." 

Perhaps the most important point is that it is fun to be large and strong.  Doing heavy deadlifts and squats is physically invigorating and extremely satisfying.  It increases your muscular strength, which makes day to day tasks such as lifting an ice chest easier.  It makes less common tasks, such as moving the contents of an entire apartment, possible.  Lifting heavy weights also improves other parts of your life: food tastes better, you will sleep deeper and fall asleep faster, relaxation feels better.  All the endorphins you release during a workout leave you feeling great.  You will feel more confident and aggressive--important attributes in a competitive sector such as banking.  Finally, lifting heavy weights helps increase your testosterone production, which stimulates muscle growth, discourages bodyfat retention, and increases your sex drive.  Indeed, lifting big weight makes everything better.  (Further questions on this matter should be directed to the hirsute gentlemen who are the proprietors of this website).

But as I said before, your choice of physique is yours and yours alone.  No one has a claim to your choice of physique except you.  Not your parents, not your girlfriend, not anyone.  Only you have the right to choose.  (Yes, you should be hearing very loud pro-choice echos).  I cannot make this decision for you.  I can only provide you my advice and information: large men can look good, and life is better when one is large.  The Biggie path is right for your Biggie, and in your Biggie's opinion, right for all men whose genetic makeups allow for it (ie: ectromorphs will small bone structures should not attempt to be something they are not).  Hopefully the Biggie path is right for you.  Your Biggie certainly believes that it is.

Your humble and obedient servant,

Biggie

Dear Biggie: Hollywood Dress Code

Dear Biggie,
 
I work at a successful Hollywood studio and I'm confused as to what to wear that would make me look professional, but not too important. I've followed the dressing rules that you've outlined in your weekly colmun, but somehow I feel that when I wear Business Professional attire my co-workers look at me like, "Is this schmuck here for an audit?" or will say "We don't wear fucking ties here."
 
Our Executive VPs all dress very low key, jeans and hoodies, but that's because they are cut throat veterans who have proved their worth. What is a man to wear in such circumstances?
 
Sincerely,
Large Bone Structure in Hollywood

Dear Large Bone Structure in Hollywood,

Although I personally disagree with the slovenly couture of your office, I have an idea of what you're seeking as a young man in the Hollywood entertainment industry so dominated by denim-clad CEOs.

For business casual (which it sounds like your superiors are wearing, if that): 

A1) Chinos - Dockers, Khakis, whatever you want to call them--these cotton pants, meant to be worn pressed, serve as the middle ground between denim jeans and wool slacks.  Colors you want are tan, khaki, stone, and perhaps navy blue.  Because this is Hollywood, navy blue chinos are perfectly acceptable--the only problem is that they can't be paired with Item G.  Your thighs almost certainly necessitate pleats, but you might be able to pull off a flat front.  Just be sure you have plenty of room around your hips and crotch while sitting and walking.  This is the more conservative play for pants.  The only problem is that when you pair this with Item G, the rest of the items below combined with Chinos might make you seem a bit preppy.  Example of what you want (either the Thompson or the Clark).  But either way, if they don't want you wearing jeans, this is absolutely what you're wearing.  Now, if everyone else in your office is wearing jeans and you're expected to follow suit, then you can proceed to Item A2 instead.  

A2) Dark, well-fitting jeans - They can be Levi's or designer, so long as they're a dark, dark blue, not distressed, and not too baggy.  Jeans are the go-to pant in Hollywood, but denim is very casual; ergo, you opt for a darker jean because it's as formal as a jean can get.  Someone with your thighs might consider a straight leg, or perhaps a boot cut.  The 501s you're sporting at present--with their large taper downwards--look odd, IMHO.  Massive thighs and ass that taper to a leg opening barely larger than your ankle?  Preferably not.  I'd try a Levi's 505 straight leg.  Below $50 and can be found at Macy's.  You might also try the 559 straight leg just in case you find it more comfortable or aesthetically pleasing.  It's a more relaxed fit--the one I wear--without being their baggy loose-fit (the 569). Make sure to buy the proper length, and get them hemmed if they are not. 

B) Simple solid and striped dress shirts with button-down collars - Button-down collars, which originated on polo players whose collars would not stay down without something to secure them, are inherently more casual than collars that require collar stays.  They have a natural "roll" to them and are not meant to be pressed straight.  They send the message that you're interested in dressing up, but you're not a stiff--unlike some corporate suit wearing a spread collar!*  They also stay secure without a tie--which you won't be wearing--and look much neater when worn open collar in comparison to straight/spread collars, which have a tendency to go all over the place without the top button secured.  

You want a few shirts in solid white, several in solid light blue--NOT medium blue, NOT French blue, NOT royal blue--LIGHT FUCKING BLUE!!--and several in some fairly conservative stripes, which will mostly be a combination of blue and white, with the possibility of a little red, purple, or green thrown in.  You want conservative stripes because these will be extremely versatile, for wear in both business and social situations.  And when you do end up wearing these with a suit--purists like me would never do such a thing, but people, especially Hollywood types, do it all the time--you'll want conservative stripes.  Versatility is key.  Also, do not bother with non-iron shirts--you want a heavier pinpoint fabric: it drapes better, wears harder, and is slightly more casual.  Figure out a maker that fits you well and start buying their shirts.  Then find a good tailor and get them fitted.  

C) Brown (Anglo-American style) Leather Dress Shoes - These will set you apart.  Every idiot wears black shoes with every outfit he has because he doesn't know any better--except in London, where they wear only black shoes in the city because the Brits are fucking serious about The Rules.  But you're in Hollywood.  They will respect the shit out of attractive brown shoes.  Brown builds up a better patina over time and pairs better with the shades of blue you'll be wearing--and let's be honest: as a blue-eyed blonde, you're going to be wearing a shit-ton of blue for the rest of your life.  Some insist on suede dress shoes for jeans, but I find them impractical--once you start spilling on suede, you're fucked.  I think cap toes will be safer for you, but wingtips are fine--just beware that they might be deemed too "conservative," even though they're technically the least formal dress shoe.  Plain toes are something else you can play with.  I'd suggest bluchers as opposed to balmorals for casual wear.  Loafers are also something you'll probably want for more casual wear.

D) Leather Belt.  Only important factor is that it be very similar in color to (if not the same color as) your shoes.  

E) Over-the-Calf Socks - Just make sure they stay up.  That's all that really matters.  You do not want unsightly pools of sock or--God forbid--your bare legs showing from beneath your jeans.  The best way to keep your socks up is by purchasing over-the-calf socks that fit you correctly.  If they don't stay up, you can invest in a pair of sock garters (I have some for wear with my argyle socks).  Navy blue is always the right color with jeans.  You can also have fun with green and even red if you're feeling rakish.  You can also buy navy blue socks with contrasting dots in green, purple, or light blue.  I prefer wool because it is better at wicking away moisture; many prefer cotton because it is softer.  I trust I don't have to show you what a sock looks like.

F) Simple dress (or perhaps sport) watch with brown leather strap - This is your only accessory.  Simplicity is its only virtue.  It shows that you have your shit together--it's not clear why, but it does.  People will notice if you're wearing a nice watch, even if it's just a quartz dress watch that's a scant $125 (like mine).  You want a gold-tone watch, not silver--gold will better complement your hair, eyes, and fair skin.  I prefer dress watches because they're so simple and clean; however, a major school of thought believes that one shouldn't wear dress watches with casual outfits that include jeans.  I disagree.  Still others prefer how much more complicated sport watches are.  Of course, once you have accrued sick cash 20 years from now, you can really get into the game.

G) (Optional) Sport Jacket - I would invest in one sport jacket.  I don't like sweaters, so I've left them out entirely.  They're for people who either want to muddle their physique or who are incapable of staying warm via homeostasis.  I'm neither, and I assume the same goes for you.  Jackets actually improve men's physiques (unlike sweaters, which hide them), but that's secondary to their primary function of making you look put together and having your shit in order.  You might only wear a sport jacket a few times per month, such as out to dinner with your coworkers, but when you do, it will pair fabulously with the rest of your outfit while kicking everything up ten notches.  Even in Hollywood, your first sport jacket should be a navy blue blazer--though not with brass buttons.  Brown/gray (preferably horn) buttons are what you want.  Brass buttons + jeans = cognitive dissonance, of which I'm not a fan.  Even if you find a nice blazer that happens to have brass buttons, it is easy to have a tailor switch the buttons to something more casual.  It will pair nicely with everything else, including more formal attire (slacks, chinos, etc.), which is why you want the blue blazer first.  Example of what you want.

There you have it.  Chinos or dark jeans, button-down dress shirt in a solid or conservative stripe, brown dress shoes and belt, navy blue over-the-calf dress socks, and a dress watch with a brown leather strap.  For more formal situations, throw on the navy blue blazer with horn buttons.

Obviously, you're not expected to buy this all at once.  A wardrobe evolves and builds on itself over time.

Finally: do not let me catch you buying anything at retail.  I may spend a lot of money, but I never do it at retail.  There's simply no reason to.  You can increase your purchasing power vastly by being a smart buyer.  

For the next step up, Hollywood Business Attire--a very scary animal because of the vacuousness of the term--you'll have to wait until next time.  I've already spent the better part of an hour drafting this.

Your humble and obedient servant,
Biggie

Dear Biggie: Looking for Biggie Love

Dear Biggie,

How does a girl catch a Biggie of her own?

Sincerely,

LookingforRove

Dear LookingforRove,

Cake.

Your humble and obedient servant,

Biggie